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The video for AKB48’s 29th single Eien Pressure is a long-form one that is around 12 minutes long and tells some sort of convoluted story about Shimzaki Haruka joining a cult of strange girls in the woods and fulfilling some sort of prophecy. Or something like that.

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About 2 minutes into the thing I was getting bored but I tried to pay enough attention to get the gist of what was going on. Anyway, lets get into the long (very long) and short of it all shall we? Most of this video consists of building the back story of what I just described above.

We begin with Shimazaki skipping along a shoddily built bridge stopping at a house in the middle of the woods. She is greeted by one of the twins (is it Nito or is it Moeno?) who creeps the shit out of her right off the bat by giving a display of some sort of weird O face.

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After that the introduction of the various inconsequential characters in the video. I’m not sure what this was supposed to accomplish other than giving some girls some screen time and to establish whatever it is Shimazaki is supposed to be doing.

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By this time the video started to become tedious and then praise Jebus there was a stalker cam following Yokoyama Yui into the shower with some creepy mofo doing all sorts of heavy breathing. It is later revealed that the creepy mofo was Kashiwagi Yuki. It was getting close to Japanese Rezu AV time until one of the twins and Shimazaki so rudely interrupted the potential festivities.

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Fast forward past the loss of potential awesomeness and Shimazaki is taken to see Shinoda Mariko the oracle to tell her that she is “The One” and she must embark on a quest to some mountains that look like they were painted by some dude on PBS to pick some special flowers.
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For what reason? Lord knows why. Maybe this crew of girls is just fucking with the newbie as part of some hazing ritual? Once that is established the actual music starts. 6 painful and unnecessary minutes later.

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Those of you expecting a Peter Jackson Lord Of The Rings epic adventure are going to be sadly disappointed in this video because it breaks down to Shimazaki wandering the mountains while Kimoto Kanon tries to fuck her over by using some sort of SKE black magic.

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So these flowers must be pretty damn special then huh? Something tells me there’s a stash of rolling papers in this house that all these girls are staying at and they’re just waiting to puff the magic dragon.

In between all this drama and suspense are the standard idol dance shots that show me one thing. Shimazaki ain’t exactly a dancing machine. She’s very stiff in her movements and she reminds me a lot of the following:

Okay, maybe she’s not that bad but compared to the people behind her she’s not exactly fluid.

There are also the standard close-up shots featuring members of what people lovingly like to call the worst senbatsu ever. You know, because last years also sucked, but just not as much as this one lead by our cute piece of cardboard Shimazaki right?

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Anyway, as we go back to the quest for flowers we see Shimazaki pull off her most graceful moves in this video as she falls off a cliff.

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It’s like watching an eagle soar through the sky isn’t it? Such majesty and beauty. Somehow she survives this fall only losing one shoe and getting a little dirty. That is some skillful falling I tell you. As she recovers the evil Kimoto tries to finish her off. But through the power of some sort of voodoo Shimazaki vanquishes the witch in a fury of special effects that would make the producers of the Adam West Batman proud.

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With her obstacles overcome she returns to the house in the middle of the woods with those oh so important flowers. It’s gonna get hot in that house, bring on the munchies and the (first) rabbits!

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I don’t like long-form videos unless they contribute to the song in some manner. While it may have worked for GIVE ME FIVE! it was a complete failure here. The first 6 minutes should have been cut because I’m sure by watching the last 5 you get the idea of this grand quest for shrubbery.

If you must watch this more than once, just skip to around the 6:05 mark and you’ll be good to go.